I’m tired

And whiny, consider this your only warning before you read further.

Its been one of those weeks.

Sunday I got in an argument with a former schoolmate resulting in a rant on here and me severing ties with her.  I then proceeded to stay up WAY TO LATE playing Lego Harry Potter (years 5-7) with Husband, resulting in barely 5hrs of sleep that night.  Which in turn proved to me that I’m getting old, used to be that little sleep didn’t faze me at all, extra caffeine and keep going no problem.  But not any more, Monday and most of Tuesday were spent in a fog of not getting much done while I tried to catch back up on my sleep.

Add in that Tuesday was the day we’d scheduled an ultrasound for Janie to try to figure out just WHY her kidneys and liver keep giving off REALLY HIGH numbers on her bloodwork, which in turn resulted in a diagnosis that basically means that she’s a dead kitty walking.  Oh she’s stable NOW, but its just a matter of time, and there’s no way to predict if its a matter of months or a couple years.  I guess on some level I was expecting it because it didn’t hit me quite as hard as I’d have expected it to.

Wednesday was better….till I got the box of Christmas presents from my parents, at which point I discovered that our argument back in September hadn’t been settled after all.  Toss in some additional old arguments for old times sake and I spent Thursday in a serious funk and Friday was almost as bad.  Basically my mother has a really poor opinion of me as a person.  She won’t ADMIT thats the problem (“well no honey, I don’t think you’re stupid or a bad person, but as your mother I just know that….”), but its the only explanation for her steadfast refusal to accept any evidence or discussion that goes contrary to her assumptions of me and how she expects me to handle things.  I don’t get it, I wasn’t a bad child, ok, I was a bit stressfull to manage, but I never got in trouble with the law, I never did drugs, I don’t drink, I don’t recall ever breaking curfew even.  I went to college and paid for a huge percentage of it myself by working two jobs, I searched out and found a job after college that would pay my bills and allow me to live in an apartment of my own so that I wasn’t a drain on them (and keep me out of my mother’s radius so we wouldn’t fight quite so often).  I’ve put a great deal of effort into managing myself and my life so that I’m the only one responsible when something goes screwy that’s my fault, and I’ve spent large amounts of time, energy and money making sure that my pets get the best care I can manage.  Yet somehow its my fault that my cat’s kidneys are shot, and I can’t be trusted to understand that her litter box habits can effect her kidneys, and its probly my fault for somehow not managing her litter box correctly that resulted in her kidneys going bad in the first place.  Oh, and I’m apparently rotten housekeeper (I’ll admit I’m not Martha Stewart but really mother, neither are you), though how she knows this when she hasn’t seen the house since September, hasn’t asked any questions as to Janie’s health, hasn’t so much as hinted as to an interest in any of that information I have no idea.

Add in little things, like the fact that I’ve somehow not managed to do any Christmas shopping yet this year (thanks mostly to the fact that things keep happening that require money that was supposed to be set aside for things like Christmas), and various odds and ends not quite going right and this week has not been one of my favorites.

Can I turn off the world for a little while so I can take a nap?

6 Comments

  1. Comment by DaddyBear:

    When I get in that mood, I take a nap, take a break, and try to get no with the rest of my day. Sorry to hear about the cat. Our Siamese is 13 years old, and so far so good, but I know it's only a few years before she starts to slide, at most. You and your mom will work things out, it just might take time.

    Go get your head right, get some rest, and enjoy your holiday.

  2. Comment by Ruth:

    Thing is we don't think she's that old. We don't know for SURE, cause she was left in a cat carrier on a local vet's doorstep with no information or anything, but every vet who's seen her has agreed that she appears to be within a year or so of the guessed age (which would put her at 8 or so now). Maybe we're all wrong. Donno. And the vet says its likely her kidney's have been failing slowly for a while now, its likely why she's “always” been so picky about her litterbox space, and it just wasn't caught till the symptoms became obvious.

  3. Comment by James A. Zachary Jr.:

    I cannot offer anything you don't already know about cats… and people. Some folks are more prone to ailments than others, same with cats… same with dogs. Just like you, I've spent a lot of money over the years on special tests only to watch the vet shrug and venture a wild guess as to what was wrong. We can only do the best we can within our means. All the money in the world and the best of doctors could not save Steve Jobs or Ted Kennedy…

    Keep kitty comfy and loved… and accept that you have given her a better life than what she probably had before arriving in a box on the vet's doorstep.

  4. Comment by Ruth:

    Very true.

    Its mostly just the feeling of being stomped on all at once.

    A nap, a cup of hot chocolate, and a chance to actually make some bread for the first time in forever has helped immensely. I'm still frustrated as hell, and my mother is NOT going to appreciate my response the next time the argument comes up, but I'm back to arguing again.

  5. Comment by bogie:

    Sorry that kitty is ailing. It's tough to deal with something that has symptoms, but by the time they become obvious, it becomes difficult to correct (had a cat go thru kidney failure – by the time she really showed issues, it was too late for anything besides really extreme stuff that probably wouldn't have worked.)

    Sorry about your mom too – that kind of issue can be harder to deal with than the kitty!

  6. Comment by Ruth:

    We'd still have no idea there was an issue if her thyroid hadn't been wonky, but the bloodwork that checks that also checks kidney/liver numbers, and if I'd not changed vets I'm not sure I'd know either since my old vet hadn'tbothered to mention that to me.

    The vet thinks we maybe able to help a bit with some diet changes, I'll take it.

    My mother and I have been arguing since I was old enough to think for myself, till I discovered the truth of the adage that its easier to get forgiveness than permission, and realised that I only had to put up with it till I could move out. That slowed it, and then I moved out as soon as I could manage and it turned from straight arguing to her sniping at things and me trying to ignore her till I lost my temper, so I moved further away so she didn't get to see the things that gave her incentive to snipe. She's just managed to pick the wrong timing and issue this time.